AM Bradio

I don’t think any one of us knew Sara* completely. I think she was always misunderstood.

This is what I do know.

She was balls to the wall, intensity personified, real as fuck, and never afraid to say exactly what she thought and felt.

For me….she was my first best friend. We shared things only the two of us will ever know. Every memory I have…an adventure or a torturous call. 

We made up silly plays for the family. We played for days as kids. She was the first person I’d get to see for so many years when I got off a plane to visit NJ. She’d sit in the backseat scheming with me on how to get a sleepover that night. We always managed to make it happen. Gammy* would hand us $100 bills that we’d spend on candy & crap at the corner store. We’d have elaborate tea parties with the china at Gammy’s* house. We would get dirty and play with neighborhood kittens. We laughed, long, and hard.  We grew up together one summer, one holiday at a time. Every Christmas brought us identical gifts so we wouldn’t fight. We still fought. 😂

Silly songs, silly kids crap, “what’s for dinner mom, ham sandwich with a burger on top, monkey meet and a camel snot, three green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts, mutilated monkey feet, contaminated birdie feet, French fry, eyeballs rolling down the bloody street, and I forgot my spoon but I have my sssstraaaaaw!!!”

She would art. I would sing. We were fucking nuts. She’d always get her way. Her mind intrigued me ALWAYS. She had an awful ugly cry…I can’t lie. It was bad. I can still see it. But she laughed SO AMAZINGLY AWESOME. I can still hear her say my name “Trish*”. So few people call me Trish*. Sara* was one of them. I loved that. 

She was a deep feeler, witty as fuck, and on fire. I spent over an hour telling my therapist about her when I found out she passed, how much I feared her, how much I admired her, and how much I loved her.

I can’t and won’t sugar coat her. She would NOT have wanted me to lie. She knew who she was. She knew her power. She knew how she had my heart and soul, and could turn on me in an instant.

Towards the end, I didn’t know if I was talking to Sara*. In fact I am not sure if I ever was. But I always loved what she would share. She caused me to think, feel, love, and live harder.

The last time we really spoke was a carphone/video chat for over an hour as I drove to see a customer. It was SO good. I didn’t care if it was lies. I didn’t care if she was only telling me what I wanted to hear. We laughed, we probably cried. I loved that call. For a moment in time we both pretended the world was easy and we were okay.

She had a profound way of making me live my life even if I knew hers was crumbling around her daily.

She came to me the day after I found out she’d left this shitty place we call “life”. This place where no one is truly living or alive. She knew that. She sent me a memory only I would understand. I knew immediately she was okay. 

She’s gone home. To a place she finally belonged. Her energy came through so strong, but this time….there wasn’t pain attached to it anymore. I could feel her say “I’m okay.” It wasn’t a lie. It was her love coming thru and I knew. She’d made it where she needed to be for now.

She’s with me always. And I’m really fortunate….. that I’ll always have her with me.

Life is super short. I know she’s already planning our next sleepover when I get there….

*names changed so perhaps I can keep some semblance of privacy