AM Bradio

She’s dying. She’s speaking like she’s accepted that her time has come. And for some reason I’m numb. I’m disillusioned by this world and part of me is envious she gets to say goodbye and move on from this world.

I remember how wide I thought the world could be. See goodness and it will be. Live with joy and I will be joyous. Sure life wasn’t fair, but there’s always the bright side.

As I go through each decade I find a new version of my mind and self. Anyone could drop dead at any moment really. So why spend the living days crying about when they might die? Damn. That is harsh. I hear it as I say it in my head.

She’s outlived a few people since being diagnosed with a slim percent chance of survival, has been able to do things, travel, have the long goodbyes so often stolen from others this past year.

I currently live in a compartment. Each moment has its place. I can’t allow actual emotion to overtake me all the time. I’ve forgotten what it is to cry freely because my life doesn’t allow for that. I spend much of the day stuffing down the hardest emotions (good and bad) so as not to implode or explode in front of others as I am keenly aware of how damaging that can be for anyone on the outside of this brain.

I have joy. Those moments. You know the ones. Those moments are like the way water sparkles at just the right angle….perfect and fleeting.

Life makes no sense. Seriously. Absolutely zero sense. Forget fairness. It’s just random AF.

Today is perfect, HOWEVER, I don’t hold my breath. Within seconds I could be in an ER, or trying to console a person literally pulling their hair out, or finding blood on the floor.

Each year I get more confused and less sure. This week I came to accept that I will die before my child. And you know what? It will be even bigger hell for them without me here. And I just have to accept that and even though they will suffer horribly until they die, I must take solace in the fact that life is short. There will be absolutely nothing I can do about it.

That is just the way it is.

End. Scene.