AM Bradio

I watch him suffer. Day in. Day out. Every single day. Every single night.

How do I smile? How do I dance or be merry? At all points I know he can’t and he’s not.

Guilt has no place here even if I birthed his soul into this shit world. It’s not shit for everyone, this is clear. It’s only total shit for the rare, unexplainable, different than boring everyday ‘humans’.

This is the first year Merry Christmas & Happy New Year come into my brain as “Fuck you.”

There is no merry or happy for us. There are just repeated attempts at failed hopeful trials. Repeated attempts with ‘doctors’ that have no fucking clue and just throw failed solutions at a challenge they never understand or can help.

He hates himself. He doesn’t feel or recognize his value in this fucked up world. He doesn’t realize that fire in him could turn this whole stupid world into malleable clay he can mold.

I used to believe that trials, challenges, boulders in life strengthened a person. Those that have changed the world speak of these failures and challenges. They speak of growing stronger through these experiences.

Here’s the thing….no one hears from the suicided that experienced the same journey with a different outcome. No one else hears the loud sobbing, head slamming, hair literally being pulled out pain from those that can’t take this fucking world’s constant, bullshit barrage of misunderstanding, ignorance, and cruelty.

Mental health is a joke. Stepping into any mental institution will immediately prove that.

‘Let’s put mentally fragile souls into a harsh institution and treat them like dogs at their weakest moments.’

That’s what mental ‘health’ facilities offer. I liken it to the ‘rehabilitation’ incarceration is supposed to provide.

Lies. Cruel, fucking lies. But don’t worry asshole doctor, He won’t ever attempt suicide out of fear of not succeeding and having to go to that barbaric place. That’s the only thing keeping him alive, fear of your ultimate‘solution’.

How were our holidays? The first one we spent alone together, without family because he was in too much mental & physical pain to leave the house. The second? I left him alone to eat at my uncle’s house, feeling guilty the whole fucking time. He couldn’t get up, didn’t want to deal with the interactions, & told me to go. He was ‘fine’. The last one, I heard the new year ring in by way of the outside world reacting loudly. I was applying medication for his pain. I think it was the same last New Year’s Eve.

You all can fuck all the way off with your happy holidays, merry Christmas, and happy new year. Your words fall on a cruel existence with no fucking end. I know you mean well, but I’d just assume skipping the holidays next year. They have just become a source of pain for someone I love so much.

Make it stop. Give us both a reason to believe again. I’ve lost my faith, I still have some hope left in me somewhere. Please, anything that may be out there….give him a break? Please.

2024, bring in reinforcements. I’m not too proud to beg.

Here’s to another year of waiting for suffering to end. Every second that passes is a moment closer to his suffering ending….and so 2024 begins…