AM Bradio

You gave up.

You sat there beer, ego, and defensiveness in hand and gave up.

You told me you felt the need to protect me. You told me to let go and fall, you’d catch me.

I trusted you more than I ever trusted anyone. You say you always win, but you failed me. You backed down in the face of adversity.

You didn’t believe me when I asked you to step up to honor me by demanding others respect me. And in that inaction you disrespected me.

Why did I shrink? Why did I pull back? Why did I work more? Why did I yell ONCE?

You know my triggers. You know my past. You pushed all of those buttons and now….you’ve played the last card.

Silence.

No response.

No fight.

No explanation.

No saying whatever it is needs to be said.

Silence is death to me.

You. Know. That.

You said you’d never give up, yet you showed me repeatedly that you had. Your silence. Your inaction. Your disbelief of my experience.

Tell me what I need to apologize for? Tell me where my fault lies?

Loving you too much? Believing you too much? Trusting you too much? Accepting and loving ALL of You?

I gave you everything I have. I gave you the most precious parts of me. I tried to be vulnerable and open up and I was met with defensiveness and anger.

I know who you are in there. I’ve seen you. This isn’t You. Why do you react so explosively? is it because there’s truth there that you don’t want to admit?

I hope being right is worth it. I hope saving face and taking the easy way out of confronting disrespect for the woman you will always love was worth it. I hope losing me is worth it.

I know eventually I will let this love be placed delicately, lovingly, on my shelf with the loves I have lost.

I never wanted to have to get over you. I never wanted to have to shelve our love. I was willing to swallow all the pain for a single hug from You.

I realize now, you are over it. It wasn’t enough for you to keep fighting. You’ll keep the love but never take accountability for breaking it.

Thank you for giving me a glimpse of what could be. Thank you for your sunshine. Thank you for showing up as long as you could.

But don’t get it confused. You broke Me.

You gave me safety, trust, protection, and love like I’ve never had.

And then you took it from me long before our last goodbye….

I will eventually take my heart back. I will eventually heal. I will eventually overcome this horrific ache of losing you. Eventually the love will transform into a special memory I’ll always keep.

I’ll love you always, but my head will take over and force my heart to move on.

And when it does….there will be no going back.

How can you make me do this? How can you know my heart is here shattered and still in love with You….and make me say goodbye to all of this.

Make me end it? Make me stop?

It’s so hard this time because I don’t want to let it go. But you’ve made yourself very clear. You’ve shut the door.

I’ve read the room. You’ve shut me out.

So I’ll take one small step at a time and walk completely, tragically, out of our love…still looking back to see if there’s hope….until I’ve gone so far even if the light is on…..I’ll be too far away to find my way back…. 👣 👣 👣

God….if you are out there. Please, please take this pain from Me. Please have mercy and give my heart the peace it deserves.

I can’t do this anymore